In his book The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog, Dr. Bruce D. Perry discussed some of the school shootings we have witnessed. He states that in his field of expertise and in every part of every group that he’s been a part of related to those shootings, he discovered that bullying is running rampant in schools.

Based on what he says, parents always try to give the kids the edge. Many parents are so caught up in their own world that they fail to embrace or support kids who may have different abilities in certain areas. It’s all about who will be the best athlete. Who will be the best in all things? Who is the smartest kid? Who’s going to get into the best colleges? And so, these people on the edges need help. They need people to be with them.

His description is excellent. I love how he does counseling. It’s powerful.

It brings to mind a young woman who contacted me for help. Her family is very hard on her. There is an implied message that you are supposed to be at this point in your life. It’s as if there is an expectation that a person must reach certain milestones at specific ages. If they haven’t made it, the parental message to the child can be: “I don’t know why you’re not there yet, but you need to figure it out.”

That’s not comforting or encouraging.

This young woman was diagnosed with a brain development disorder. She’s highly functioning and talented, but processes information differently than her parents do. She has self-doubt and feels defeated in her late 20s. She is not married yet, has no ideal job, and isn’t earning the money they believe she’s supposed to. When she interviews, she does well but doesn’t get hired or is gently let go shortly after.

Even though she’s high functioning, her parents don’t realize what she needs most. She needs to be embraced and loved. She needs to be accepted where she is and requires much encouragement, not negative statements about her progress.

The thoughts shared by Dr. Perry also make me think of a fifteen-year-old young man. He shared some of his story of his family of origin having an abusive lifestyle and how tough it was for him. Then he shared that his uncle and wife brought him to live with them. Now, he has a different life because they are meeting him where he is, loving him, and giving him every opportunity to reach his full potential.

Getting back to talking about Dr. Perry on that, because it’s just a follow-up of what you’re saying, is that in schools or any child care programs or others, because of what has happened with sexual abuse, they’ve gone the complete opposite of what needs to be done. It’s okay to hug a child in a public setting. You don’t do it privately; you do it in a public setting, so you’re not alone when hugging.

He states how important it is for a child to receive that. And he said one other thing: in almost every case where you had dysfunctional people based on the trauma they experienced early in life, that has helped in healing. And when you do that in a child’s life, we will not have these Columbine shootings or anything like that because you’re getting to what’s underneath the child’s behavior. We’ve talked about that so much. The behavior and what’s underneath it tell us that something is there.

The only way to calm somebody down is to be calm yourself. These things are powerful and missing today in our society and our world. It’s a blessing for people like Dr. Perry and other organizations to bring this out into the open, showing people that there is another way. There is a correct biblical way of doing it. It’s Jesus healing us as we bring things to him. I know, for me, when I’m hurting, I say, “Jesus, I’m giving it to you.” I don’t like what happened, what was said, or whatever the case may be, but I’m giving it to You because you care.

As we think about our topic of gaslighting and power and control with all that it encompasses, I thought about Brenè Brown and her book, Atlas of the Heart. We have to go back. As shared, it’s not the behavior; there’s an underlying issue. It’s a matter of the heart with unprocessed emotions from past wounds or false beliefs from generational mirroring. It made me think about gaslighting, power and control, and how Brenè Brown talks about our anger. Anger can be a healthy emotion, but people start intentionally harming others when they move into contempt. Especially in our more intimate relationships and with people we are close to and trust.

In 2022, gaslighting became the word of the year. And everybody was using it, but not using it in the right way. I randomly asked someone to tell me what gaslighting is in their own words. Their answer was “someone making you feel like it’s your fault, making you feel like you are always wrong, mental abuse.”

While this is a partial definition, gaslighting is much more than that. As the body of Christ and ministry leaders, we must understand this more fully. This next podcast is an excellent opportunity for us to share what it is, what it looks like, and the kind of effect it has when you receive it.

You can listen my friend and Pastor, Gerard MacLellan and I in a podcast on gaslighting here. 

This writing first appeared on Destined for Glory Ministries Blog