Recently, I took a poll to find out the one thing that keeps a relationship strong. I put the question out to about 500 people.  Why did I do this? I want to know.

As one who experienced many relationship failures, my heart’s desire is to be an effective, living, breathing part of a real relationship with others. It does take at least two to engage, right?  Below is a list of the top five aspects of healthy, strong and long-lasting relationships (in this case, marriage) people shared in response to my question:

• Faith
• Commitment
• Respect
• Selflessness
• Communication

For faith, is it fair to say a common purpose, with God as the center? The definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 is  “faith is the confidence of what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see.” Does this mean that even when things are rocky or the boat is sinking, if we engage our faith, we can have increased hope and assurance that things will get better when we draw on the power of our faith?

Since commitment is a top answer I want to know what it takes to have commitment in a relationship. One person expressed that without God as the center relationships aren’t strong. Is that really true? A lot of people will tell you they have terrific marriages, without God. They are persistent, communicate and work through their troubles. They stay together. What about those people who do have God as the center in their lives? So many still say goodbye. Why? Why do we believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence or driveway? And what about those who are berated, emotionally neglected or physically violated? Does commitment apply to them? What is the plumb-line for commitment?

Commitment can be tough for many people, but is a golden thread in the relationship of those who man the storms of life.  There are storms, raging storms. They come everyday. Our perspective of the storms can make all the difference. Are we going to be for or against one another? Love always wants something for the other person, not to take something from them. There are many who have not experienced and learned that by working together through the hard stuff we actually draw closer; one might easily falsely believe the way to escape the storm is to run, or withdraw, or look elsewhere. Life is fragile. People are fragile and hearts are broken everyday due to another’s, or their own lack of commitment. How do we we become a people of commitment?

Does respect of a spouse’s individuality and uniqueness set the stage for him/her to live in freedom of who they are, without feeling less of themselves? When I looked up the word respect, the definition was a deep admiration of someone for their abilities or accomplishments. So, it sounds like it’s something a person gains over time. Is it luck when people marry in their early 20’s and are still together 60 years later? There must be more to it than luck.  If we are safe in saying respect is gained over time, why do people demand it from the get go? And if they demand it of others, why don’t they give it? Could this be part of the reason why SO many marriages are crumbling leaving men, women and children brokenhearted with shattered dreams?  Respect for another. Does it go deeper than just respecting another? What about respect for self?

Selflessness. This is big. How does one come to the place where he no longer thinks only of himself? Aren’t we born wanting to be the center of attention and have our way about everything. We want, want, want and yet…it is never enough. What is enough? Have you ever noticed how the center word of the word selflessness is less. Is thinking of self less something people can do? I wonder how Mother Teresa thought so much more of the poor that she literally left her own self desires behind and met the needs of oppressed, hungry and forgotten little children. Did she have a magic potion or is there something more to this selflessness? Does selflessness mean not standing firm in what is the right thing?

Communication ranked high in my poll. It is said to be THE most important part of a genuine relationship. If we can’t communicate transparently with one another, we aren’t being true to them or ourselves. People can’t read our minds, and we can’t read theirs. The root word of communication is commune. I think of this as two people coming together and spending time listening and sharing thoughts, victories, and heartaches. Isn’t that want a relationship is…trusting one another enough to be transparent in communing?  Communication has several elements. Body language, tone and motivation are three main ways people speak to others. How we pose, the inflection, tone, and choice of words, and the motivation behind them are huge elements of communication. If we knew there were ears listening to every word that comes out of our mouth, would we reconsider what we say? What if every word we spoke came back to us like a boomerang? That could be a lot of dodging.

I have my own thoughts and beliefs about the One thing that is the glue of all relationships. Think about it. The way we do relationships with the people closest to us is the way we will have them in marriage, social and business. That makes me want to have the highest caliber of integrity. Isn’t that what really promotes healthy relationships? It’s almost like we have to see beyond what is in front of us. How can we do that?

I believe integrity is built on our personal understanding that there is Someone much greater than us, who sees, hears and loves us more than life. Through forgiveness and love, we are freed. Through our intentional faith we learn commitment (even in the hardest times), we respect Love more than anything, we become giving and generous with our time, talents and financial resources and through Love, we gain pure motives in what we think, say and do, honoring others—knowing all mankind is created equal. In essence, the one thing to me is who I am. Do you know who you are?