Recently I took my shy, 10-year-old grandson shopping for new clothes to wear to my youngest daughter’s engagement party. His mom was recovering from the birth of her third child, so it was great to have undivided time with him.
We perused the t-shirts, collared shirts, and shorts in the boy’s department. Suddenly, he ran ahead of me and plucked a hot pink shirt from the rack confidently stating, “I want this one Grandmother!”
(more…)Recently, I took a poll to find out the one thing that keeps a relationship strong. I put the question out to about 500 people. Why did I do this? I want to know.
As one who experienced many relationship failures, my heart’s desire is to be an effective, living, breathing part of a real relationship with others. It does take at least two to engage, right? Below is a list of the top five aspects of healthy, strong and long-lasting relationships (in this case, marriage) people shared in response to my question:
For faith, is it fair to say a common purpose, with God as the center? The definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1 is “faith is the confidence of what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see.” Does this mean that even when things are rocky or the boat is sinking, if we engage our faith, we can have increased hope and assurance that things will get better when we draw on the power of our faith?
Since commitment is a top answer I want to know what it takes to have commitment in a relationship. One person expressed that without God as the center relationships aren’t strong. Is that really true? A lot of people will tell you they have terrific marriages, without God. They are persistent, communicate and work through their troubles. They stay together. What about those people who do have God as the center in their lives? So many still say goodbye. Why? Why do we believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence or driveway? And what about those who are berated, emotionally neglected or physically violated? Does commitment apply to them? What is the plumb-line for commitment?
Commitment can be tough for many people, but is a golden thread in the relationship of those who man the storms of life. There are storms, raging storms. They come everyday. Our perspective of the storms can make all the difference. Are we going to be for or against one another? Love always wants something for the other person, not to take something from them. There are many who have not experienced and learned that by working together through the hard stuff we actually draw closer; one might easily falsely believe the way to escape the storm is to run, or withdraw, or look elsewhere. Life is fragile. People are fragile and hearts are broken everyday due to another’s, or their own lack of commitment. How do we we become a people of commitment?
Does respect of a spouse’s individuality and uniqueness set the stage for him/her to live in freedom of who they are, without feeling less of themselves? When I looked up the word respect, the definition was a deep admiration of someone for their abilities or accomplishments. So, it sounds like it’s something a person gains over time. Is it luck when people marry in their early 20’s and are still together 60 years later? There must be more to it than luck. If we are safe in saying respect is gained over time, why do people demand it from the get go? And if they demand it of others, why don’t they give it? Could this be part of the reason why SO many marriages are crumbling leaving men, women and children brokenhearted with shattered dreams? Respect for another. Does it go deeper than just respecting another? What about respect for self?
Selflessness. This is big. How does one come to the place where he no longer thinks only of himself? Aren’t we born wanting to be the center of attention and have our way about everything. We want, want, want and yet…it is never enough. What is enough? Have you ever noticed how the center word of the word selflessness is less. Is thinking of self less something people can do? I wonder how Mother Teresa thought so much more of the poor that she literally left her own self desires behind and met the needs of oppressed, hungry and forgotten little children. Did she have a magic potion or is there something more to this selflessness? Does selflessness mean not standing firm in what is the right thing?
Communication ranked high in my poll. It is said to be THE most important part of a genuine relationship. If we can’t communicate transparently with one another, we aren’t being true to them or ourselves. People can’t read our minds, and we can’t read theirs. The root word of communication is commune. I think of this as two people coming together and spending time listening and sharing thoughts, victories, and heartaches. Isn’t that want a relationship is…trusting one another enough to be transparent in communing? Communication has several elements. Body language, tone and motivation are three main ways people speak to others. How we pose, the inflection, tone, and choice of words, and the motivation behind them are huge elements of communication. If we knew there were ears listening to every word that comes out of our mouth, would we reconsider what we say? What if every word we spoke came back to us like a boomerang? That could be a lot of dodging.
I have my own thoughts and beliefs about the One thing that is the glue of all relationships. Think about it. The way we do relationships with the people closest to us is the way we will have them in marriage, social and business. That makes me want to have the highest caliber of integrity. Isn’t that what really promotes healthy relationships? It’s almost like we have to see beyond what is in front of us. How can we do that?
I believe integrity is built on our personal understanding that there is Someone much greater than us, who sees, hears and loves us more than life. Through forgiveness and love, we are freed. Through our intentional faith we learn commitment (even in the hardest times), we respect Love more than anything, we become giving and generous with our time, talents and financial resources and through Love, we gain pure motives in what we think, say and do, honoring others—knowing all mankind is created equal. In essence, the one thing to me is who I am. Do you know who you are?
Yesterday is gone, yet we can look back and see where change can be made. Today is here for us to thrive and embrace each moment. Tomorrow comes only through the grace of God and when it does, He has already been there. He goes before us to clear the way so that we will not fall.
When I think of the past year, it reminds me of old clothes I need to shed. My slacks now sit above my ankles, the cuff of my blouse is frayed, and the collar of my shirt has lost its button. Yes, they are worn out and too small now. It is time for new clothing. Clothing that does not wear out. The kind that grows with me and makes me shine like a lamp on a hill!
It is only fitting that I fall to my knees today and cry out to the only One who can hear me. Today is the last day of the year, the cusp of a new season and the mark of seven years since gaining freedom. Though it might sometimes feel like it, I am never alone. He is with me, and His promise is that not one can stand against me. He the great Overcomer and through Him, I’ll do the same.
Before I rise from my knees, I dry my tears and envelop myself in His clothes. He provides a helmet for my head, a shield over my chest, a belt to wrap around my waist, and shoes for my feet. I have His sword and I place my confidence in Him. He is my security in all things.
This is the eternal flame that rises higher leaving yesterday as a burning ember, today as a flickering flame and tomorrow as a united heavenly host of flames.
I’m ready to put the old behind me and bring in the new. Today is the end of 2013, tomorrow, the beginning of 2014. What will you leave behind? What will you add to your wardrobe that will spark the flame?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sisters. My mom is one of four sisters. I have two sisters, my daughters have each other and my grandson has one sister. I have a sister-in-law, but I think of her more as my sister. Then there are friends that are like sisters. Sisters have been on my mind lately.
When I was a child, I couldn’t see the value of having a sister. I mean how does a big sister who has more privileges, and a younger sister who you fight with using weapons like fingernails and hairbrushes make you want to love them? I just couldn’t see it. There are times when sisters are selfish and stay in the bathroom longer than normal, or share by giving you the bite of cake without the icing. Some sisters judge unfairly and leave one feeling inferior and unloved. Sometimes we hang our head and wonder in frustration, God, why did you give me this sister?
We become teenagers and begin to compete with one another in how we attract boys, fight over the hall telephone (, the way we dress, vying for attention from our parents and even who has the prettiest hair! We work hard to be accepted by each other’s friends when all we really want is to get “all eyes on me.”
Years pass, sisters grow up and marry and build their own families. In the process of all this growth something happens. We begin to see that the things we hated about one another when children are the very things we love about one another as adults. We realize there is nothing closer than the bond of a sister and that no one can ever replace the love a sister brings. We raise our hands and whisper, Thank you God for my sister!
In the second half of life, our children leave home to build their own families. Feeling lonely and abandoned, we crave more time with our sisters. We begin to realize that these unique women are gifts from our Creator. We realize that a sister is one who loves us no matter what we have done, where we have been or how we have done it. A sister’s love runs deep; deeper than those without a sister can comprehend. We will do anything for our sister, even to the point of being belittled, mistreated or deceived. None of that matters in the end. We look beyond it. Some might be judgmental of a sister who loves this way. But the sister who lives it knows what she is doing. She is answering a higher call. A call that comes from deep inside. A call to love. This is how people will know you as Mine, it will be your love for one another. Once again we might implore, God, this is so hard, why did you give me this sister?
As we approach the end of our lives, our spouses are gone and we care for one another as a mother cares for her child. We go to the doctor together, give prescribed medications and attend funerals of friends. We cook, laugh and have fun, aware the time is drawing us closer to the end. We savor each moment smiling and remember the past as we sit by roaring fires. Though our hair is grayed, skin is loose and our hands have become feeble, the eyes tell the story of life. When you look deep inside you see love. The voice has changed, “Thank you God for the love my sister has brought into my life! Thank you for teaching me to love. This has to be why God gave me a sister!”
Everyday sisters are caught in the stage of adolescence. They are still vying for the most attention or to be the one in control. This creates division, pain and loss.
When is the last time you told your sister you love her and are thankful for her? Has it been too long? Love never fails. If you are missing out on the joy of sisterhood, search your heart as to why, stretch yourself and pick up the phone. When you whisper I love you, relationships can change.
I think I’ll call my sister right now.
She walked in about ten minutes late so concerned about her tardiness. “I don’t even think I can tell you what happened to me.” She began trying to tell me why she was late before I could say anything. “I really think I am just getting dumb,” and she went on “I can’t remember anything anymore.”
I was certain it had to do with her being inundated with information. I knew she was going through a difficult time. “I’m late. I walked in early and looked down at my feet, and I was barefoot.” Smiling and almost laughing as I envisioned the scene, I explained, “It really isn’t that unusual. I’ve worn two different colored shoes to the office before. I’ve known many other women who have done the same thing.”
Me sharing my personal experience seemed to put her at ease a little and when I looked down at her feet that were turning blue, I had to ask, “Where did you get shoes, you said you are barefoot?” “Oh, Allison, I ran to the consignment store and then to my daughter’s favorite boutique across the parking lot.” I kept smiling thinking how resourceful she was to go to a store instead of driving all the way home. She kept talking, “The consignment store had nothing my size and the boutique didn’t either.” I was a little confused. After all, she did have shoes on. “Where did you get your shoes?” She looked at me like a cat with a mouse in its mouth, “I got a size too small at the boutique, my feet are squished into them.”
Isn’t this just the way we do things sometimes in our lives? We rush around in a panic looking to find something that will fit and when we don’t find it, we settle by forcing it.
When is the last time you forced something and not let it take its natural course? Did it hurt you or anyone else?