I keep pressing on to reach the goal. Just like when building a house, writing this book has required a complete stripping of the land, removal of any unstable ground and grading before pouring the footings and level foundation. It’s a laborious work. It requires revisiting events and emotions I didn’t care to experience again. But the process has been good. My life has improved and the writing has become more precious and alive. Sometimes I ask myself, “Why have you spent all these years on this one project,” and I hear a whisper, “Publish His glorious deeds, tell everyone what He has done.” I look back at changes in me and the life reborn. Coming from desperation and looking for love without Him to being loved into having a purpose with Him is all it takes to keep me pressing on. Our amazing Creator gave His Son to die for me. It took nearly four decades of deep and paralyzing pain, major stumbling and falling down, so far I thought I might not ever get up. In the midst of it all something happened. Our Creator got my attention. I don’t believe my rebellion could have ended without divine intervention. When I look at life today, I’m thankful. Thankful that all I went through drove me so far away that I had no where else to turn but to the loving compassion of our merciful Savior and Lord. I’m confident He knew I could bear no more. A life of peace, joy and love from the beginning might have changed everything. With all my flaws, He showed me His love.

He rescued me. I didn’t deserve it and wasn’t  looking for it. How could I look for something I didn’t know? He redeemed me through His greatest gift! Sharing the wonderful things He has done through this book is an honor. It’s not a real pretty package neatly tied with a ribbon. It’s painful, but  light came. I want to tell you all about that light and love. That’s why I went back  . . . so you won’t have to. I let Him rebuild my house, forming me and shaping me in His way and for His purpose, in a way beyond anything I might imagine.

I did much of the painful work to guide you there too! Maybe it will save you some time and you will opt out of further shattered dreams and broken heartedness.

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It has been a long road. It all started more than forty-five years ago. Today, the last few strokes are down and the weight is lifting. Finally, the story of my life, the grave places I visited, the lost and blind life I led is down on paper. But who cares about all that? The good part is what happened in the middle of all that.  In the middle of the darkness and on the road that led to hell. . . there was revelation of truth and love! There was a rescue and in this rescue came forgiveness, peace and grace. Now, lived out on the other side after five years, I share the story. The truth about why I did the things I did, loved the men I loved and why I had myself on a downward spiral of abuse and self-inflicted pain.

No moment remains unturned and at a moment when I felt relief, I picked up a chapter. The title? Descent into Darkness. I read slowly and it made me want to vomit again. How could I have been so lost?  This time I had another thought. It is far away and I am reborn, I have a new life and the old is gone. The old is only written for the eyes of another who struggles with the same pains, the same heartaches, the same blindness. It’s not easy to tell others all you have done. I have read in the Book of Life that in the end it will all be known. To help another, it is worth what ever comes as a result. Jeremiah 29:11 is where the Lord says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, ” plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Now, those words are melodic to my ears . . . light years from the hell I once knew.

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